POEM REVIEWS THREE

Please try to send me only the new critiques I have not posted. Most of the time you are but once in a while I get a huge set with new ones tacked on and I have to go looking around and see what to post then. Just FYI. Thank you some of you for getting me critiques, AND some of you for getting me reader responses (it's why we had Wednesday off!). Still a day left, of course, so no worries (for reader responses).

By the way, these post are not very organized. Look on earlier posts for critiques from others if they are not here. Some of you do them REALLY early. I'm just rather randomly posting on new pages so no one page gets too full.

Eva's latest poem reviews (posted Nov. 1, 2020)

Mariah's “Numena”

 

Mariah, I love this poem and can tell that it pulls from the bizarre style of Kocot a little. It is more grounded and less out there than Kocot but still clearly influenced by her style. I like the beastly, fairytale-like aspects to this poem; and the use of astrology within the poem helps give it that fable, fairy tale sort of sense to it. The two sections help separate moments in the poem well and create a structured flow that works well with the content of the poem. It is very compact and reflective in this manner. I like that the main character of the poem is a young girl but the perspective is from an outside narrator's point of view. This allows us to view the innocence and fear of the young girl without having the poem lose some of its darker tones; I feel like if it was told from her point of view, because she is a child, you would have to use a more childlike voice which would take away from the content of the poem; as is, I think it works well.  And, the diction here is wonderful: “Beasts who pulled the star-fire/ from night skies and spat out shadow. He felt her shiver/at the thought of darkness,” is such a strong sequence of poetic mastery of the English language. Wow! both the use of alliteration as well as imagery here is effective in painting a picture of darkness in both senses of the word. Plus, the poem does not keep the little girl stunted and afraid; she grows stronger by the end of the poem, she “eats her fears”. I don’t know the reference here to the title or the song that you drew from & I could look it up. I often am a lazy reader and fail to do this...anyway, I think it works without the reader knowing those references which is a good sign it is an independent, strong poem. Love it all!

 

Cassandra’s “ The Tomato did it”

 

This poem made me laugh out loud. Side note, I take it personally that this fox did not like zucchini as it is my favorite fruit ( botanically speaking)! Anyway, this poem is very fablistic to me-- not in that it has a moral, though maybe there was one intended? But, the use of animals reminds me a lot of the sort of fables like Asops or Fontaine’s fables I read as a child. Of course, it also evokes classic fairy tales and stories like the three pigs, Goldilocks, and Red Riding Hood. But that is to say it is influenced by those and the style of Kocot yet stands entirely independent of them as well. Small suggestion in line four , you could put the word ‘technology’ in italics instead of quotes… visually I stumbled over this for some reason. I love that this poem ends with this fox getting some sort of odd vindication over the fact that Greg died potentially from that tomato…. and can we just take a minute to appreciate how perfect the name Greg is for this poem? I mean, somehow that just makes the poem even funnier in the end. The only editing suggestion I have is maybe trying to make some of the lines flow better. A lot of them, especially towards the beginning of the poem felt choppy. I think part of this is diction and part of it is the structure of the poem. What would this poem look like in a more prosaic format? You might play around with this-- for some reason since it reminds me so much of a story, I kind of want to see it all as one text block. Just an idea because I can't really visualize how else I would want to see the poem but you never know, play around with it, maybe even some couplets would create a faster pace to the poem? Either way, a strong poem that made me laugh.

 

Camden’s Poem: “Two Martyrs”

 

Like all of Camden’s poems, this poem brings in religious elements strongly and seems to be more actively about religion than the others. I recognize, though I can’t say from where, the lines about the grievous faults; some prayer? Passage from the Bible? Anyway, it works here and I like the choice to have two sections, one for each martyr and to make them different scenes. There is a way that the poem creates two distinct people and places very quick and effectively here. One is a priest on the streets and another a woman in her own apartment. Which all postulates that people die because of their faith as martyrs in all sorts of ways. But, this poem is not creating these people as some sort of saints-- they are ordinary people which all backs up the idea that religious persecution can come from anywhere and happen to anyone. And their deaths themselves here are evocative of the crucifixion in a bizarre way, which creates a sort of connection between the martyrs and god further. In terms of form I don’t really have anything I would change. I like the short poems of yours, they are compact and get the message across neatly. I think this poem could be read in line with your other poem’s about doubt as in opposition to them. Perhaps the speaker, who is narrating the story of these two people who died because of their faith, is proposing that they too would die for their faith or believe that it would be justified. It is a little unclear of the speaker’s point of telling about the two people but in the end that doesn’t really matter. It is about conviction and faith in God.

 

Alicia’s Poem

            I love this poem! It reminds me a lot of my own childhood, growing up in the Indiana countryside. I also love that it brings in and embraces the bizarre like Kocot’s work does. The sections work well to keep it less dense and divide it up; they also work well with the poem’s sense of time. First, we are in childhood and now we are in adult life. One critique I had was the use of bold text within the poem. I would be curious why you did this?Usually if something is quoted, you would use italics or quote marks so I did not think these were quotes. Regardless, it was a little jarring to the eye. What I do like is all the tiny, fast-paced details of the poem from the barbies to the cornfields; these all help ground us in the place of the poem and add to the building intensity of anger. In short, I read this poem as a woman claiming her identity and refusing to be stifled by any man in her life.

 

Brooke’s  “Woman”

            First of all it was interesting to see one of your poems in an entirely new form; I think the giant blocks of text you do work well but this was a refreshing twist to your usual. I love the use of language here. For instance, the use of “ three haircuts ago” to convey the passage of time works wonders here. There is a verssmitude and sense of accuracy to this poem grounded in the details; they are bizarre but seem true: Very Kocot for sure. I like that the poem is very lyrical but still quite narrative; it uses dialog as a way to move the poem forward instead of letting it become too mired in the strange details. SO, in this way it is very purposeful and economic; everything is doing work here and working well, fitting into a larger puzzle. And, it does have a sort of everyday mythic to it that helps drive the poem forward at a more rapid pace, that and the use of the shorter lines here make this longer poem feel short, concise, and compact. Well done, Brooke!

 

Sabrina’s “ The Beauty Outside the Beast”

Sabrina, I love the whimsy and playfulness of this poem. I like that it derives directly from The Beauty and the Beast but is entirely different and works as a stand-alone fairytale/poem. I can see how you used Kocot as a source of inspiration; there is a sense of urgency to the poem which propels it forward rapidly here. I like that you have these moments where you indent the text; I do suggest maybe playing with the form even more. I think there are multiple ways you could set up/structure the poem to make it even more effective BUT regardless, it reads well and moves along at a reasonable story pace. My favorite lines from the poem were “Her smile was a Bell Jar holding a rose so beautiful it blinded/any viewer from seeing the beast lurking in the shadows,” which is to say, I loved the use of simile here ( something you do well throughout the poem on a new, inventive level). I also thought the use of the cigarette smoking scene added both a literal and a more figurative smoke & mirrors sensation to the poem which worked beautifully. Overall, I really think the darker tone of the poem in contrast with the lighter more whimsical elements blended well together creating a unique poetic voice here which is quite strong. Good Work!

 

Kylie’s “ Is that my Sweater?”

I love this poem, although I don’t quite see how the title fits into the poem. I liked the down-to-earth narration of the poem, the way it sort of just lists the mundane with all these details line after lines; it does a lot for the poem. I like that this is ultimately a poem of sibling frustration-- and perhaps of trying to find one’s place in the world all at once. It seems rather simple but I think there are actually a lot of ideas bouncing off of each other here. There seems to be a lot of commentary on gender, society's gender roles, how we are boxed into these roles, etc also. So perhaps, it can also be a poem about identity and dismantling standard concepts of gender. It is also funny, mostly towards the end, but it uses this humor to relate a feeling most people who remember their younger days with siblings might relate to; therefore, there is a sense of unity and connection with most readers established in the poem as well. I think the choice to write this as one block of texts, minus that last line, works well! It reads very prose like so putting the “story” into a more prosaic form only seems natural here. Once again, I like that you have steered away from the end rhymes that dominated your earlier poems; this is more effective as is. It manages to feel deeply personal yet oddly distant all at once. A lot going on, as I mentioned earlier, and all very well. I enjoyed this one a lot, Kylie. 

*

Brooke's Chat critique of Cassandra's "The Tomato Did It."

"I mean, who is going to deny a needy fox from entry? Good for Greg. Starting out, I’m catching some “Over the Garden Wall” vibes / potential anthropomorphic moments. And so, I read on and in the second stanza, there’s this comedic Shrek VS. Donkey stand-off in regards to their dietary differences. So, the fox gets the boot. (Just go hunt and satiate the meat/Snickers effect, man; what’s the big deal with the man having his zucchini?) I specifically left out the tomato because /something/ is up with it, as the title reveals. To my surprise, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (Seriously -- look up the trailer of that movie -- it’s a B rated, low budget horror film -- it’s too damn funny). Did not expect MURDER in the poem, but because of my love for films of the genre I just mentioned, I am not too shocked of this murderous FRUIT (are you making a point to avoid eating our fruits? Consume more vegetables? Anti-vegan?) I’m playing with you. But this was a cute one."

Reviews By Cassandra

“My Tongue is Numb” by Abby:

I find some narrative things you do in this poem so cool. The first is this disinterested “I guess” in the second line, setting up this tone of indifference that I read the rest of the poem in. That is, until the last two lines / stanzas, when there is a direct address to someone, and with exclamation points: the speaker calls someone a “coward” and suddenly has this angry, demanding presence / tone that wasn’t there at the beginning. This shift is great. Even within the first part, though, things seem…confused (not in a bad way). You give these strange descriptions of where “we” lived that do not sound pleasant, like “a box / of sick oil slick” and “the angry wood-wasps / that gnawed at the gnarled ends of my fingers”—but yeah, the “years” totally “were good”! I wonder if this is supposed to seem like a making-the-best-of-a-bad-(living-)situation, but when it comes to talking to someone else about it, they are a “coward” for not recognizing the speaker’s less-than-optimal situation.

 

“In Regards to Mr. H” by Kylie:

First of all, the last line made me laugh. But also, I just love this strange metaphor going on where you explain the way someone sees the world as stop motion Claymation. This “Mr. H” friend being addressed is “simply an observer,” noticing every detail around him, but is never “the creator or the adjuster”; he does not seem to act upon the world. And yet, he seems to be in some sort of more enlightened mindset than everyone else around him, like how you compare his situation to that Community Christmas episode, and Mr. H, just like the character Abed, is “the only one able to see through the fourth wall.” We don’t know what exactly that means, which I kind of wish we got more on. There seems to be some sort of religious or spiritual claim going on—I wonder if this is the true intent and the meaning of the “fourth wall.” Mr. H knows about “the creator and the adjuster,” the “all mighty hand.” And then the second metaphor comes in with the starfish in case the Claymation explanation wasn’t enough! Yes, it must be “tormenting” to live in such a slow-paced world. Hence the funny cocaine line!

 

“Plaster” by Eva:

Wow, this piece is powerful and emotional. Before even reading it, the first thing I notice and like is the unconventional formatting, which you have done for the last two poems. I like, specifically, the two “you,” stanzas standing alone, emphasizing that address and making it, in my own reading in my head at least, sound angrier. Also, the fourth stanza and its last three lines being tabbed in more than the rest gives it this sort of flow, this movement that turns into emotional movement, that I find difficult to describe. The musicality of the whole thing is great, as usual; you are amazing at making lines sound good, and that, to me, just enhances all feeling the words themselves bring about. Like the lines, “out drinking with your baby-blood boots / bouncing across the pitted parking lot pavement somewhere south of Larpenteur Ave.” It is never too much, and I also just love these lines for their meaning as well! This cruel person has blood on his hands…well, boots, and he will go everywhere with that now, although he might not even know and, if he does, simply does not care—on to the next victim. Love it.

“Two Martyrs” by Camden

The most striking thing about this poem—well, it’s probably the grim and graphic subject matter. But in terms of construction of the poem, it’s the repetition. I find it especially interesting how you focus the last couplets of both parts on the victims’ (yes, I see suicide victims as victims of something…) feet of all things. You always have religion as a central theme in your poems, and it is clear in this one: what I take from saying “His/Her Virgin Mother was with him/her” when these terrible things happened to the characters is that their religion and its entities were not enough to save them; it’s such a sad piece that isn’t even offering hope or faith. It’s hard for me to say much about this because it’s so powerfully…depressing.

“Rick and Mandy” by Eva

This is so different from your normal style; I can imagine if this prompt was tough for you like it was for me, but even if it was, I actually think you pulled it off so well! I enjoyed this (sad…) story of lovers Rick and Mandy. There are funny things in this poem, like the very first line just coming right out and saying, “Rick was into anal,” and even just the language (I mean, maybe it’s just me, but “wee / hours of the night” makes me chuckle, and “obese afghans” is just such a weird way to put it). And also, because I live here and I know Bristol, calling it “the land / of Bristol Indiana” makes it sound so…grand and important, when it just isn’t (no offense to anyone living in Bristol, but I’m sure you agree anyway). There are more things that I found funny, but I don’t want this to be too long. 

A specific thing about the story itself I liked was at the end when both of the lovers were dead and buried, but teenagers go there to find “romance” (I mean, lust, but to teenagers that can be about the same thing), just like Rick and Mandy were able to. It’s a little beautiful, like a circle-of-life situation!

Just one quick thing I thought of when reading: the line(s) “she wept / her way through the vast and endless years” I think would sound better if you just left it at “the vast years.”

“Freelance” by Brooke:

I think this is my favorite poem of yours yet. There is simply so much in it! I think what I love most about this one is that I can pinpoint more concrete images and scenes than I think I normally get from your poems—and that is not some sort of diss to your “usual” poetry, just persona opinion on what excites me most about reading poems. But “Freelance” just offers so many places to inhabit: I love the sentence, “The way snow slips from withered pine branches because the weight gives in from holding too much of anything besides itself,” for its poetic nature—not only is it a gorgeous wintery picture to imagine, but it brings meaning from this small act of nature. I love the scene of the speaker getting shoved into a couch, being pressured to do something they don’t want to do but being able to refuse (in a kind of messed-up funny way). I love the scene after it of betting with Pokémon figures.

You are also able to bring political matters into your poems; they are sort of scattered about, they just pop up sometimes. Like the “mall shooting,” which is such an eerie description because the sunrise and the colors are at first framed int his beautiful seeming way. And like the simple two-word phrase, “generational disapproval.” Your commentary is subtle and brief, and I like that. It’s also so interesting how this poem is the speaker, the poet herself, talking about being a poet. You repeat twice, “I’m not the one to give you comforting words”; your poetry is not going to be comforting or kind or inspirational or light. Another quick thing I loved was the pause in the middle to ask, “Are you still with me? If so, it’s only for now.” Your speaker could be talking to others in her life, but also to the reader, giving more of that meta writing-poetry-about-writing-poetry.

Mariah's Reviews

Alicia—“Humane-less.

As I was trying to explain in class, there are many places that this poem uses language spectacularly. You have gotten some really musical, playful lines in here and it balances so well with the subject matter and the darker notes of the poem— “colorful garb face/ transparent mask of mismatch” for example. I do think this poem can be read as having strong feminist notes, and for me that centers around the “am I the marotte?” line and the final two lines “You’re a queen/ Fix that crown”. Especially taken with the middle part about making love/ pretending to love. One of the things mentioned in class, though, was that it was a bit difficult to determine who the speaker is in this poem. I think that is true, but I think a lot of that could be cleared up if you considered taking out the “am I the marotte” line and making it the title instead. Not only would that make the voice of the poem a bit clearer (by clearly making the speaker the one asking this question) but I think it might also make the last lines even stronger (they’re already great!) by having the speaker clearly asserting the answer to that initial question of whether or not they’re in control.

Brooke—Honeycomb Playground

Once again this poem, like all your poems, excellently weaves together these bizarre details (the guy selling bonsai trees), with this slightly off center Americana. It almost feels that your poems are taking place in this alternate, nostalgic, sarcastic, almost sardonic reality. And that is no exception in this poem. The single, stand-alone sentence in the middle of the poem “I’m sure as hell not asking some Greek life bohemian astrologer from Monroe County about it.” stands as a great example of that, and of the voice your poems seem to carry in general. I’m not sure I have much to say beyond that, just keep going!Poetry Critiques

Reviews by Kylie Jamrozy 

 

Alicia's Marooned on the Embankment (Poem 2)

The overall feeling of this poem is a sort of psychedelic state, which is impressive to convey. There is so much imagery in the opening lines and it is beautifully put. I love that all seems well, until we get to the third to last line, and then it hits us with a gut punch of reality. It is a very powerful way to convey wanting to escape reality, only to have reality inevitably shatter whatever we have constructed for ourselves as an escape. Also, your use of alliteration is impressive and adds to the dream-like state you construct at the beginning.  

 

Sabrina's ithinktoomuchithinktoomuchithink-

In my opinion, this poem is so well done that it is pretty much seamless. I do not have any critique or advice to add, so instead I will just point out what I like about it, though I am not sure that I will have adequate words to describe what was done and how. There are so many contradictions that add strength to the poem. Immediately after the first line, there is a contradiction to the first line, which shows how the reality of something is not always what it seems. Phrases such as, “if we are to be particular,” make this poem feel confidential and conversational, almost as if writing in a diary. 

 

Camden's A Fucked Up Prayer

This poem had an intensity to it as well as an underlying feeling of panic, if not danger. I think the speaker is planning, to some degree, to join whoever they lost to death. I think this comes from saying “the graves shine,” rather than saying something like they glowed in the moonlight. To me, this portrays the graves as a sort of beacon that tempts the speaker as they deal with their grief.  The You that the speaker addresses is probably God, who the speaker feels has abandoned them, though not intentionally or maliciously. There are a lot of “You’s” and “I’s” in the second half of the poem, and it  serves to both separate and blur the distinction between the You and the I. I think this helps to convey that the speaker is struggling with their identity and how the fit into the universe now that they have lost their loved one and their God.

 

Cassandra's My personal ghost of you

My only critique is that the third line is a little confusing with the dashes and the grammar. I think maybe a dash between “you are” and “a part of you” would be more effective for conveying the fractioning of thought, going from there “it” is, no, there you are, no, a part of you. Or maybe just italicize you. I really like the creepiness and duality of the poem. At the beginning, I believed there was a stalker, but by the end, I was not sure if the speaker was just going crazy and having obsessive thoughts about their ex. I think its fully possible that the speaker may be the one stalking their ex and might murder them. The vocabulary choices and sentence structures are very blunt and almost manic. I think the part about the person being burnt grease on the bottom of the pan was very powerful and humorous in a dark way.

 

Mariah’s Childhood’s End

I think the imagery used to convey childhood in the beginning was very effective and served a greater purpose than just saying “we were kids.” It takes the reader back to their own childhood. The dashes around the word “blazed” kind of trapped me. I got hung up on them and in trying to make sure I was reading the poem as intended I lost the tone that the poem had been potraying and I had to start completely over. I really liked the reference to pith helmets as it added a sort of comical break in an intense scene. As far as I know, a pith helmet is used only for dress by soldiers, so for me it added to the statement “pretending they were not at war.” As a soldier, you have to be ready for war, so even when you are in your dress blues with no threat present, you have to keep in the back of your mind that there is still war. I think the last three lines are powerful and tie everything together perfectly.

 

Abby’s Dramamine

I think this poem really nicely gets across that there is a somewhat toxic mother daughter relationship, without saying anything blatantly. My favorite line is “like a demon in the daylight,…” I feel like that could become a widely used saying, it just as a really pleasing, sort of comedic ring to it. I like how ambiguous “white pines” and “velvet snakes” are, and they show that the speaker has an innocence to her and a wonder about the world outside her hectic home. At first, I thought the forgotten love not was from the mother to the daughter, but I think it may be from her father to her mother, or the other way around. I think this clues us in that there was some tragedy or abandonment that caused her mother to change into a less stable version of herself.

 

Eva’s Mantra

At first, I was worried that this poem would be cliché because it is about a broke artist of some sort. However, I think you put a spin on it that made it a different perspective that what is normally used. There is a pattern to the line length, and the use of a single word or short phrase on your shortest lines made them pack a punch. Everything after the word “sacramonsiously” makes me think of the Macklemore song “Gold Old Days,” not through word choice but the concept that we do not appreciate what we have in the moment until the moment is gone. I think this poem was a very beautiful way to put a spin on that concept. 

 

Alicia’s What’s a Weed to a Wildflower

I think this poem is really well done. It is a poem about identity and challenging expectations. Then it starts to talk about some sort of sexual relationship that is toxic to the speaker. The speaker is no longer going to take the abuse and has found her strength, and it is very moving. I think the layers of meaning are very well done and powerful. My only critiqued would be to revisit some of the commas and periods. If you took some out in places or added others in, the poem could read almost seamlessly from the indented parts only or from the non-indented lines only and have similar meanings. I just think that is really cool.

 

Camden’s A Walk in the Darkness

I like that the poem is divided into three numbered sections. It puts more of a divide between stanzas and changes the overall feel of the poem, almost like dividing a movie into episode format. You also have an interesting format for your lines, having each set of four being followed by a couplet. The exact meaning of the line “from the hole round” is lost on me, but I understand what is happening. At first, I thought rails referred to a railroad, which threw me off until I realized it is the rails of a bridge. Maybe you could say guardrails instead, which would also add length to that first line and therefor add symmetry to the structure because the first lines of the other two sections are longer than the rest.

 

Sabrina’s A Montague Dies, A Capulet Lives

This was a very unique and powerful spin on a play that has been done a million times in just as many ways. The references to things that are soft but potentially dangerous are very creative, such as still water, which could hurt if you jumped off a high enough bridge, or a soft cat, but a cat has claws and will use them when wanted/needed. These show that the speaker is choosing to be seen as soft, and to not let her heart become hardened, but that does not mean that she is weak. I like the references to the photo prompt, such as stop motion and “frozen, picture perfect in this room.”

 

Mariah’s On These Lifeless Things

The language used is very beautiful and profound. I am not smart enough/ or culturally/historically aware enough to fully grasp everything that is said in the way that I think was intended, but I would not change the poem. I think the beetle is supposed to have a large significance and be a big moment, but it is lost on me. I still recognize that the moment is there though, so I think that is on me to Google the significance of beetles to Egyptians. Really, I need to Google most of the references in this poem, but I think that is a good thing because it gives me the opportunity to learn about something new. I don’t think that poetry needs to be readily understood by everyone right off the bat.

 

Brooke's Honeycomb Playground

This poem feels like a revelational journey that allows the speaker to reflect on their path, past present and future. Everything is random yet specific and is effective in creating a detailed construction of the speaker’s reality. It solidifies the speaker’s existence in a specific moment at a specific time in a specific place, rather than just a generalization that leaves the reader to fill in the gaps. This creates a personal feeling between the speaker and the reader and feels like we are witnessing an event rather than examining a concept. I enjoy the straightforwardness.

 

Alicia's Humane-ness

I think Alicia is starting to find her niche, or voice, or whatever you want to call it. Her poems usually use beautiful alliteration and have strong feminist undertones. She also usually puts a sort of punch at the end, such as “You’re a Queen/ Fix that crown.” Starting with “A prop…” the intended recipient of the harsh words becomes blurred between the speaker, the jester, and the peasants. However, I think this adds to the idea that the speaker has in a way made a fool of herself by participating in the will of the jester. By describing herself as being on the same level as the jester, the ending becomes more powerful because we witness her elevation as she realizes that she is a queen and above the Jester.

More of Mariah's Reviews

Camden-A Walk in Darkness

This is one of the poems where I think the sparseness of your style works particularly well. There is enough sensory and setting detail “the rails were cool/ to the touch” or “the west bank of the Mississippi River” for the reader to imagine the sort of scene this is, but not too much. That sparseness adds to the sort of bleak, empty, hopelessness of the poem as it describes Berryman’s suicide. It parallels well with his sense that “life is boring”. (I am dying to have a description of what aspects of life he found boring though! Personally, if I were going to add to this poem as was discussed in class, that is what I would add.)

 

Sabrina-A Montague Dies, A Capulet Lives

It might be true that the repetition of the “but soft” phrase just popped into your head for this, but the repetition and re-structuring of that throughout this poem is genius. One of the places where this works noticeably well is the section right after the full stop “No.” Those lines “Soft, like still water, like the snowfall on a January morning/ like my mother and father never were…” all the way to “Romeo died with a hole through his head…” would be incredibly well written and beautiful on their own in another poem, but the way that you’ve taken the line from R & J and reworked it makes them all the more beautiful and meaningful within the context of what’s written here.

 

Cassandra-My Therapist Asked Me to Describe Myself, and I replied, “I Am Nothing”

There is something striking about how much you’ve packed into this poem, how the narrative is begging to fall apart at the same time it holds together. That balance is handled well here, I think. That’s one of the things to appreciate about this poem, actually, All these seemingly unrelated events are flung together in an sort of jumbled mess, but we can still follow and appreciate them. And that parallels nicely with this person’s experience of trying to shuffle through all these memories and moments to figure out who they are. Like the poem, they’re barely holding together. That anxious, mind-racing feeling is something you’ve captured well.

Kylie-In Regards to Mr. H

I like the philosophical, thoughtful aspects of this poem. That is one of the strengths of this poem. It can be difficult at times to write poetry with a more abstract, philosophical quality, but this poem pulls it off well. I think the last five lines serve to pull it together super well. On top of that, they are well written and honestly very beautiful. I love “Have you ever watched a colony of starfish?/ You pay an hour to see an inch/ But speed it up, and you see the stars dance for each other” This makes me think of a kid’s night-light spinning shadows on the ceiling or a tank full of jellyfish swirling around. And that imagery pairs well with the more philosophical ideas about identity and being tormented by living in this “starfish word”. It’s almost like what this person is tormented by is their observations and their attempts to grasp at themselves/ their individual identity like grasping at stars.

Eva-Plaster

Wow, the intensity of this poem! I’m immediately drawn in and I almost don’t want it to stop even though the subject matter is so dark. The punch that each single line “you” gives is incredible—it actually feels more to me like a musical notation in a way, like a really heavy chord that just hits the listener with a weight of emotion. I especially like the jump from “darling’ and you” to “rapist/murderer”. That is such a powerful enjambment and it serves as a great launch into the rest of the poem. I also interpreted the ending as much darker than you said you’d intended, but regardless of interpretation, the last section is beautifully written. The combined alliteration and assonance make this section flow and serve to drive the intensity. I just love the sound of “lay thick the gypsum”!

 

Abby-My Tongue is Numb

Like your other poems so far, this one has a nice command of language and good imagery. I appreciate the interplay of this idea of this person’s relationship being sort of broken with these wood-wasps which chew away at things. This person’s relationship seems to be wearing away the same way that these moths have been chewing at her fingers and that becomes a really strong image when the person they’re addressing won’t “look inside/at the twitching threads of tendon”. It’s an ingenious way of describing this broken relationship. The one thing I would say is that this could be a bit longer; it’s such a good concept (and your writing is generally so skilled) that I almost wish you had written even more and given even more comparison. It seems almost a bit abrupt at the end.

Alicia's Reviews

Eva’s “Plaster”

 

Off the bat the speakers give us a direct sense of place by describing the area of the hospital that they are in along with the visuals like the “nurse’s pastel probing pit eyes” (2). These images allow the reader to feel empathy for the speaker. This small, yet huge emotional piece in the beginning of the poem where the speaker is going through a miscarriage or abortion. The stanza breaks help transition between the speaker’s moments in the hospital and the moment the speaker confronts the “rapist”. The image of the “murderer out drinking with (their) baby-blood boots” is strong, it reminds the reader that the person wearing these boots doesnt care about the speaker or that they have just lost a baby. They walk with blood staining everything the boots touch. The wearer leaves remnants of pain wherever they are. The speaker is resentful about the rapist out living their best life “drinking” and going to “poker halls” while she is stuck in the hospital “bleeding out (her) child”. The speaker shows how the rapist is a predator by describing the creepiness of this person “walking the streets/solo/city parks/hotel lobby”. This is reinforced by the grooming of girls as he “ plays with the frills of an underage girl’s mini-skirt”. Then, we are brought back to the reality of the pain of the speaker in the hospital room. The speaker uses this image of hardening to show loss of all emotion. I love how they mention the plaster and then bring it home by referring to the ingredients used to make it. This is such a touchy subject and I am glad that you chose to write about it. This can be very empowering to someone who has suffered this same thing.

 

Abby’s “My Tongue is Numb”

 

This poem is oddly intriguing and somewhat ambiguous to me. From the title to the first line following with “we live in a hollowed-out hole inside of a head” the reader gets a sense of the speaker personifying an actual tongue. So, I ask myself what a tongue does? It speaks the words that the poem is trying to relay to the reader. The hollowed out hole, the mouth the only way for the words to escape. The lines that state “in a box/ of sick oil slick” can be an interpretation about words normally being easily said. The mouth is slick and therefore words slip right out. This is further explained with it being “a room with one white-glass window”. A window is a barrier for the words which can escape only through the fingers that have been petrified by their use. The wood wasps become keys of the computer that the speaker uses over and over again until they become deformed. This is used to convey the anger inside the speaker. Anger that has consumed them so much that they reveal what’s left inside them, only “tendons and chewed up pulp”. The speaker calls themself out by saying, “Coward! Peel back that paper husk” as if saying reveal yourself/how you feel. Let the words out, remove that barrier that holds back all the anger, or in other words the “hive”. A hive of angry bees swarming and ready. I really enjoyed dissecting this poem for my own interpretation.

 

Kylie’s “In Regards to Mr. H”

 

I love how Kylie takes us into the visual world of the speaker’s friend. We see how the friend visually processes things around them moment by moment. The way your poetry reads is natural and has an element of someone who orates fairy tales. Kind of like a film with stills. In line ⅚ I noticed that the end of line 5 naturally feels like it should end. Then, line 6 feels like it should be more declarative beginning with, “The next fraction of a second” with no period. I love how the speaker brings us these obscurs details of “details...otherwise hidden”. These things that only this all-seeing friend is able to see. This character is so powerful that they can even see the truth in things. This is explained in line 9 which states “The facts in plain sight and obscured to the world except for him”. The idea that the friend sees the world frame by frame is reinforced with the mention of “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas” when he sees everything in stop motion animation. There is a turn in tone when the speaker explains how hard it is “a gift/a torment”. The friend sees all the little things, but you never get the full effect. Therefore, the torment of it causes the friend to do cocaine. I really like this poem Kylie. Great job.

 

Brooke’s “Freelance”

 

This poem brings in social issues locally like “the mall shooting” that the writer sees within their world. The contemporary feel to this poem hits the hearts of readers. As a reader who now personally knows the writer, I can really hear her voice throughout the poem. The language and diction really speaks to who Brooke is and the problems she cares about. The speaker loves their village which is seen through them bringing the issues up. If you talk about it, it bothers you. Like the issues in society that are building up, her concern for them builds up until it’s too heavy. Much like the line, “The way snow slips from withered pine branches because the weight gives in from/holding too much of anything besides itself”, the speaker can’t carry the weight of the problems they are personally bearing. There are such tangible images like a hospital bracelet that “dangled like a cinnamon wreath”. These symbols of childhood create the built up tension in the poem. There seems to be a death of the past, of who the speaker was, as they mention their “flirtation with the crossover”. A crossover into being an adult and carrying the weight of all these issues. Good job!

 

Cassandra’s “My therapist asked me to describe myself, and I replied, ‘I Am Nothing’”

 

I like the image of the smiley face. It reminds me of the movie Forrest Gump when he wipes his muddy face on a yellow shirt. That's the moment in the movie when the guy comes up with the smiley emoji. I really like this idea of the speaker asking “Who am I? This question is larger than just who is the speaker, it bleeds into the larger question: what makes the speaker special and unique? Who is the speaker outside of their body/looks? Who are they outside of their friends? I think the image of smoking around a table with friends asking so many serious questions of yourself and your being is something the majority of readers can relate to. I love that the writer is documenting these important moments in life. The speaker captures how during that moment life slows down enough for them to notice the beauty of life. I love the comparison of a stomach to a “tumbling dryer”. These memories are continuous throughout the poem to show the reader who the speaker truly is. In another way, it also reminds the speaker what has made them who they are. I love the image of the fox mask molding itself into the identity of the speaker, covering who they are underneath. The speaker seems afraid of letting their real identity/soul/being be known so they'll pretend to fit in until the one day “Halloween” when they can be themselves. Good poem!

 

Mariah’s “On These Lifeless Things”

 

The part of this poem that stood out for me was in lines 14/15 when there is this powerful declaration ‘“My name’ he screams,/ ‘is Ozymandias-- King of Kings!’”. This really shows how important and powerful this reborn cicada feels. Even though the next stanza brings us back to reality showing how insignificant the king becomes when he is only “a headless body/ and a pair of false-god wings”. Not only, is the statement a reflection of insignificance, but the diction of “false-god” and the fact that there is no capitalization on the word “god” shows the lack of importance. This is very different from how the poem begins. The poem begins with a 6 y.o. who sees all these wondrous things, but the reader still gets a sense of time with the speaker. The speaker does a good job of showing how they are looking back in a childlike state, but knows the naivety in the preservation of life. They bring up “false protection” and “meant to carry the wearer's soul to immortality/ but could not resurrect the beetle from it’s grave” which explain how none of the beliefs of a powerful pharaoh could save them. I think this poem suggests how humble humanity should be by showing how even a powerful king can be reduced to a bug. Good poem.

 

Sabrina’s “A Montague Dies, A Capulet Lives”

 

I love how you took this well-known Shakespearean piece and turned it into your own modern retelling while still braiding in pieces of the old work. Retellings are one of my favorite things to do. I really love the image of friends gathering together after someone’s death which is shown to us in the beginning of the poem and brought back around in the end. There is an overlying theme of death throughout the poem which follows the original tale, but it isnt just the death of Romeo; it is the death of the identity of Juliet without Romeo. The speaker then searches for who they are by bringing up these beautiful concrete images of things that make them soft. I get the sense that “Juliet/ the speaker” may be better off without Romeo when Sammi says, “I want to remember this moment forever”. A moment with Juliet, but without Romeo. This is followed with “Our Juliet, missing her Romeo” showing he is no longer with them.  Perhaps, the speaker is more herself,  without him. On another note, the softness speaks to the speaker’s emotional vulnerability, even though they are “the strongest Capulet that ever lived”. Despite the strength of the speaker, they admit that no one can “escape/ the soft touch of death”. The last two lines explain that with emotional support of friends can help someone find comfort in death. Good poem.

 

Camden’s “A Walk in Darkness”

 

One of the lines that really stuck out to me was when the speaker says, “Life friends, he said, /is boring”. I would love more detail about the ways life could be boring to the speaker. Details that led the speaker to be on the train tracks. The first four lines of stanza two are incredible. I feel like I am there with the speaker. I know now that he jumped off a bridge, but when I first read it, I didn’t get that. So, when I read the last part of the poem, “from the hole round,/ enjoying the view from half way down”, I thought it meant that he was buried 6 ft under. I thought because life was boring that the speaker caused trouble and someone killed him. Now, after rereading it, I understand what happened. However, it almost feels like he is laughing at all of us who are still living this burdensome life. I really like that part of the poem. Maybe when talking about him flying through the air, describe the feeling. I would imagine it is the feeling you get when your stomach drops on a rollercoaster or in a car when you go over a hill fast. I really like how the speaker says, “finally free”. This is a relief to the burden of life the character is feeling. I really like the numbering and stanza breaks, both of these elements give the reader a smooth transition from stanza to stanza. I really think you are coming out of the shell with your writing. There has been a nice evolution in your writing since the beginning of the poetry class.

Reviews by Cassandra

Alicia’s “Good Morning Sunshine”:

A great poem for any independent woman! For real, I like this poem and its sentiments that women are always pressured by family and (hetero) society in general to “find a man,” but some women are just fine being alone—and even for those who do end up in relationships, it doesn’t have to be everything, nor should it be some goal to be sought after! I like that you did this in parts, including different parts of this protagonist’s life. The first part, showing the protagonist as a child, illustrates how parents—whether they know it or not—start indoctrinating their female children very early on to this domestic woman lifestyle. But the readers are told right off the bat that this person will not end up bowing to this role, that she is different, with the great lines, “One day, she held one of her salamander friends / Love, the grip of death that suffocated him / This is the same way she loves as an adult…” Then, the second part shows your protagonist as an adult who is still not married, though many around her are seemingly giving in to this societal, traditional pressure—plus, we get to fast forward to her death, which I find interesting (also funny; that penultimate line with the “cat God”!). And then, the last part is less narrative than an explanation of the protagonist’s feelings and thoughts on this subject. To me, one critique to try would be actually switching the last two parts; I feel like ending on her death where you do in the second part and that last line, “Love isn’t always sunshine and rainbows,” would be more powerful.

 

Brooke’s “Woman”:

This poem feels very free-association—not so much that it seems completely disjointed or “off-topic” or anything. But I mean that its speaker goes on tangents in this honestly delightful way. Setting up some expository stuff about Cindy, the protagonist, we’re told that she lives with Uncle Jack, but then, the narrator has to get out this aside about Uncle Jack and his haircut. Then, when a new character is mentioned, Alan also gets his own aside about his artistic inclinations. And though I can’t make out what the metaphor means, I like that the lines about Alan being “a Siberian tiger, wrestling / an American flag / on a sludge-framed boulder” is brought back at the end with, “as if the flag consumed a cub, / until the stars shined above.” (Do these “stars” also refer to the American flag?) There is also this slight commentary about identity and gender right from the title and from the lines, “’It’s like choosing who you want to be, / between the days; / but me, always man, and you, always woman.’” Oh, and I can’t forget to mention my favorite lines: “Cindy caught his eye / far less times than his pigments / of green, but more than his shades // of yellow, which made her feel / ‘primary.’”

 

Sabrina’s “The Beauty Outside the Beast”:

If beginnings are a super important element to poetry, you’ve really managed to capture my attention immediately. With the title alone, a play on a very well-known title already, I was intrigued. Then, your first lines are so characteristic and tell us right off the bat some things that this protagonist likes, and I just love it. I love how specific into this world and its characters you can get with details like “girls who let her chain-smoke off their Parisian balcony” and “the bakers’ rich daughter who lived on starved models.” Also, the metaphor taken from the same work as the title—the Bell(e?) Jar—I also love. It represents the Beauty of Acelynn, which “blinded / any viewer from seeing the beast,” but it is wilting by the end—Acelynn’s façade is breaking down, and people (the bakers’ daughter character) will find out who this girl really is. That part, however, is what I think needs development; who really is Acelynn; what are her “beastly” qualities? The only vices of hers we are given are chain-smoking, which doesn’t really affect others so as to make her some kind of monster (I mean, second-hand smoke, I guess?), and a sexual “appetite” (“the beast … asking for … blood”), which also isn’t inherently some bad trait and doesn’t seem to affect anybody negatively. So, I don’t actually see how this person could be such a horrible beast to be afraid of.

Alicia's new reviews (11/11)

Alicia Lang

Poem 6 Responses

 

Abby’s “The Shaking Thing”

 

I like that this has four stanzas, but the third stanza is only one line. This seems to be the turning point within the poem. The in-rhymes and alliteration throughout the poem help the poem flow as you read it. The title seems like such an oxymoron compared to parts within the poem; especially in line 4/5, “cold ash/ and ember”. When something has an ember there is still a fire and warmth, yet the speaker is in a nest of cold ash. Almost seems like there are remnants of the past within the nest, of other births. The moment where the speaker becomes self-proclaimed at the end is magnificent. It seems like the speaker claims their place in life, owning who they are. I really enjoyed how even though the poem is short it is packed with meaning. Good poem.

 

Sabrina’s “Depression Broke Up With Me”

 

I think it was really creative how you colored the word “cheetoh” orange. You have transformed your poetry into artwork which is a style of your own. Very trendy. Furthermore, The beginning of the poem is very captivating due to the simile of how depression works in the speaker’s life. I think you have a way of confronting emotional problems very directly. The personification of depression is intertwined with the speaker so intimately. We really see the transformation of the speaker through solitude and family issues into healing. I love how the speaker even has a conversation with depression. It is interesting how the title has a sad face next to it, almost suggestive that the speaker has lived with their depression so long that they are sad to see it leave. The speaker romanticizes the idea of depression by personifying it and treating it like something they hold so closely. Good poem.

 

Cassandra’s “Not a Depressing Poem”

 

This poem is extremely artistic, using different styles of poetry like using drug labels and acrostics. The fourth stanza really stood out to me by confronting the issue of feeling sorrow by saying that you become weak if you cry.  I like that the end uses this idea of other people’s perception of what grief looks like in order to tie back into what grief really means to the speaker. What grief means to the speaker is explained by the speaker as, “an absence/ of emotion” (⅘). This is reaffirmed in the last line when the speaker says, “that they're all wrong”. I always enjoy the conversational aspects of your poetry. There is a lot of eye-catching diction like, “I/ see them back” . Good poem!

 

Mariah’s “In The Broken Places”

 

Mariah, I love the three stanza choices for your poem. I think the first stanza does a good job of setting the reader up for what to expect in the poem. I was fully prepared for the scars of the poem. The second stanza being informative about the broken places that the speaker is referring to in the title. The first line discussing the glued together mugs reminded me of scars from a fight where the owner of the mug, threw it and broke it. The act of gluing it together, instead of throwing it away shows that the owner cared for it. Possibly, eventually giving that which was cared for away. Almost a double entendre for the physical scars and the physical abandonment. I really enjoyed the image of the divots in the ground being compared to craters in the moon. The last three lines of the second stanza are amazing. I can picture the shoes making black circles on the hospital floor. The way this poem flows from place to place is seamless and really gives the poem a nice read. Lastly, I think that it is such a sweet resolution with hope. As always, good poem.

 Eva’s “Erosion”

The title of the poem is so suiting for the content- a body being eroded by cancer. Starting the poem off with “You said” is such a great move. The speaker sets the tone this way which helps the reader feel sympathy for the things that the speaker is missing out on because of cancer. We are given examples of the love between the speaker and the “you” that show all the things that the speaker will miss. That's the odd thing about the poem that the speaker is the one dying, usually the speaker is discussing the pain of the death of someone. Not the pain they are about to feel because of loss- loss of life and loss of love. I think that is what makes this poem so interesting, the point of view.  The end of the poem is so intimate and passionate! The blanket frantically trying to catch pieces of the speaker is a vivid image. Great job!

 

 Cassandra new reviews (11/11)

Eva’s “Erosion”:

A very beautiful, very sad piece. You’ve definitely succeeded in making your reader feel strong emotion. Part I is this adorable, wholesome love story, two people wanting to grow old together. The descriptive metaphors are all amazing: my favorite is the first given, “we will grow old and sag together / like the old farmhouse / porch with the weeds growing up in between the / cracks.” And it’s just (a little hauntingly) beautiful to use all these metaphors of things breaking down (the old farmhouse sagging, the “corroded porch-swing,” the “rotting web”) to describe two people in love. They are growing old and sagging together, they are corroding and rotting and crooked—all these unpleasant words—but it is made beautiful because of its meaning: two people growing old together meaning loving each other and being together for a long time, until the end.

 

Then, we are hit with part II immediately: “Last year / I was diagnosed with leukemia.” The good, wholesome feelings are gone, and now for the rest of the poem the reader is bashed in the heart with despair. There are more metaphors brought in that I love, though more subtly this time than outright in the last part. The “hot chocolate with tiny / marshmallows frantically trying to stay / afloat” describes what the speaker, the leukemia patient, is experiencing physically through this condition. Maybe the “you” is also described from that—trying to emotionally stay afloat when a loved one is dying. Then, “you” place the afghans to “catch the stray pieces // as they fall,” literally meaning the beard hair being trimmed. But this could also figuratively mean something like the “you” catching any possible “stray” moments (and/or emotion: any shred of happiness) with this person as they can before the speaker is gone. One thing I really appreciate from this part is that you are telling this story of loss and grief from the dying person’s perspective, which is usually not the case.

 

The only thing that confused me was going between the parts, who is the speaker? Because I know you personally, I could assume that the speaker of the first part was you; you address your boyfriend by name and all. But then in the second part, the speaker is someone dying in a hospital, which is clearly not what you’re doing (not to mention the beard you don’t have). So personally, that threw me off. I think that any reader who didn’t know this poem’s author would assume that the speaker (as well as the “you”) were the same in both parts. So then the question is, is that what you wanted?

 

Abby’s “Shuddermoth”:

Every single line in here feels important, telling and/or beautiful. The first stanza has this metaphor of roots; Myrna collects these bugs (termites), which are real, physical things, but she uses them figuratively to chew “her roots,” and I really like that tangible/imagined contrast. The second stanza, with the black hounds, gives me this clear picture of them carrying these branches through the woods. Because of their jaws being “massive” and probably also because I’m just in this mystical mindset right now, I’m imagining these dogs being actually massive, bigger than any normal dogs, and they are probably like these protectors for Myrna (living alone in the woods must be scary). I really like the last stanza; she is “lonely” in her shack, so of course she will take opportunities to trade with any people she might see, especially for a tender moment (the “kisses”). I’m only wondering who these people are that she trades with, since her shack is so otherwise lonely; who’s walking through the woods in the rain? But this poem is a really great read.

Kylie’s “Is That My Sweater?”

This prose poem is great in form, with long sentences and these longer lines to match. It is also great in detail and subject matter, I think. I believe I said this last class, but I just have this soft spot in any piece of creative writing for these (seemingly inconsequential, especially) little details, and you litter them through this poem to really illustrate to us readers this atmosphere of “boyhood”—so your little inconsequential details are actually all very important to the bigger commentary of gender. The sentences starting “She learned her ABC’s” and “All was fine and fun and video games and Hotwheels” are the big examples of these lists of detail you grace us with, and this block of text ends with another list, but a contrasting one (a “girly” one). So, I’ve already mentioned it, but I also love how you seem to be just starting to “tackle” something so important as gender and non-binary people, like Jackson clearly is (as I am gathering from the story here, Jackson was born biologically male and raised this way with her brothers, but then she switched to female pronouns?). Your last lines, also, for the last couple poems have been these great one-liners that are humorous, and I am always waiting for that ending now

 

Cassandra's Reviews (Nov. 15)

Alicia’s “The Harvest Moon”

One thing I love that you do in this poem is go from broad to specific. At first, you seem to be talking about multiple “boys,” about some pattern of yours that keeps happening more than once: “A breakup with whatever boy I loved” (the italics is why I feel like this could be about more than one). Also, you then simply say “a boy” a couple of times. But then, suddenly, it’s “he,” it’s a specific character that you’re referring to. This switch catches a reader off guard in the good way, I think, and if you really did mean that these breakups happened more than once, it’s saying that maybe there was one that just was more important than all the others and still sticks in your mind like the others didn’t. It gives us this sense of importance of what (who) you’re writing about.

Also, there is another sort of twist at the end: after talking at length about this boy that you seem to be really missing and lamenting over, you say you are “Eating the heart of any man that’s ready for the pickin- / It’s my time to feast.” Especially with this last line, it’s like you are empowered by this idea of eating men’s hearts—like they did to you? You’re reaping your…revenge? I don’t know, but I know that I really like it.

Mariah’s “I. In the Broken Places”

This is just…so beautiful and meaningful. I love this poem. One specific thing I love is the structure: both that it is a list form and that there are only these two stanza breaks at the beginning and end. It breaks it up just enough; I’m not really sure I can explain it. The first three lines just set up the poem, and then it goes into this really long (and long-winded, with only two sentences) stanza with its list that flows quickly and really well. (And, of course, is just FULL of so many great descriptions.) And finally, there’s another stanza break at the end, and we get a repeat of the beginning (which I like—ties everything together neatly), and then this beautiful metaphor with a great and inspiring message. It’s just put together nearly perfectly, I think.

The only thing I would think about changing (at least playing around with, but obviously either way you don’t have to take my comment seriously) is the order in which you give the list. At first, I thought what you were going for was this small-to-large thing: you start with very specific (and very human) things like what’s at a yard sale, and then you get into large-scale (and nature) stuff (beaches, mountains…). I really liked that. But then you get back into humans and their suffering. Which, of course, is super important, but I just think I liked the idea of going from human to nature, and from small and specific to bigger. 

 Cassandra reviews for Mariah and Brooke

Brooke’s “THE THRUST OF FURTHERING DECISIONS”

There are moments in this, lines that make me go, “Oh, neat!” that I like. The title, for instance, is great. If I am being totally honest, which I intend to always be, though, this one did not capture my attention like your other poems, and the reason is because of the confusing images. In all of your other poems, even if I don’t “get” it by the end, there are things that I can hold onto that I will really like, which is usually the strange-yet-still-captivating-and-vivid imagery you create. In this one, I just…couldn’t personally find any concrete image to latch onto. Right from the beginning, I am trying to picture what “hair like the growth of a snowflake’s begged landing” means and looks like, but I just can’t figure it out. I know that it isn’t like you just made a poem of weird images—for one thing, I know that you are a poet, and a good one! But for another, there are moments where your…maybe philosophizing, maybe a better word, comes through, like “I don’t want to believe that guardian angels are mute” (a line I really like) and “We are never truly alone.” So there are still some moments of clarity and concreteness, but I think for me there just aren’t enough. (I hate writing something so seemingly negative…this one just wasn’t a type of poem for me!)

 

Mariah’s “II. Revelation”

It has been clear from the start that pretty much all of your poems have something to do with religion (even if the actual message from that is not really clear to me; I don’t know if that’s just because I don’t exactly know much about Christianity). In this one, it is only hinted at from the title. The mental illness part is much more present within the poem itself, mostly from the ending: “I knew / that I was the thing / with claws,” so you have definitely shown us what you set out to, I think. (Side note: do not call yourself “crazy”; you are not!!)

I loved your first part so much, and this one almost lives up to its predecessor. I read them back to back, and I think what I was wishing for more of from the second part was that repetition that really made the poem resonate. But at the same time, it isn’t like the parts need to mirror each other, and I do like the impact of the final lines with the revelation(!) of yourself being “the thing with claws,” so I don’t actually think a final stanza like the first one had would be better… This one is still very good and has imagery, another thing I loved about the first—fork marks on your skin, tasting blood and the great simile of “a creature in the cage / of mind” (love it). I think I do want more of your great imagery, though; I think the poem could be longer!